Agree to Disagree
A much-needed discussion to analyse the way we communicate — how we agree to disagree.
Aaina Chopra displayed exemplarily what providing people the space to talk looks like. She listened in keenly and concluded by stating how she has gained a broader, deeper understanding of the concept of agree to disagree. She loved the insights and the participants loved her willingness to listen without judgement.
Capt. Charanjit Lehal, as always, inspired nods of acknowledgement with his observations. According to him, knowledge, general awareness and wisdom have increased globally courtesy of the Internet which has now put most things just a click away. Exposure to information has given us a lot of wisdom and certitude. However, our predatory mind always wants to take the front seat. This has led to some mindless mucking online. He laments how we are becoming a culture of huge debates, dominance and thoughts of winning it all.
He opened a wonderful discussion about collectivism or individualism. Which one should be prioritised and which one is being prioritised? In his experience, performance management systems are individual centric. When one person wins a debate, there are many who lose. We are not even thinking of agreeing while the priority is winning. He remembers asking a major once, “How do I become more influential?” The major thundered with, “How dare anyone stand in front of you if you speak like a man?” Capt. Lehal remembers how he internalised these words for years.
When we talk about diversity, we exclude a lot of people. In our certitude of feeling like we are right, we muddy the waters. Certitude brings exclusion and disrespect. Exclusion brings narrow mindedness. He then solemnly asked the group, “Can we change this culture?” Then, using one of the most well-timed pauses ever, he responded, “Replace certitude with confidence. Replace certitude with curiosity. Curiosity is not equal to agreement. Acknowledgement is not equal to agreement.”
He encouraged us to look at what is encouraging. He stressed on the need for a shift in mindset. He asked us to acquire the skill of conversation. Don’t have conversations for influence. Before having a conversation, gauge the mood and the intention of the conversation. After the conversation, estimate the impact of the conversation. To build your communication skills, we need to learn to communicate.
In his opinion, our society has become graceless (in this regard). We are battling with insecurities and that is leading to personality cults. Due to this insecurity, people like to put up facades. He asks us, in his optimistic manner, “Can we change this? Do you have the humility and the power to challenge your own story? If we challenge our own story, we can do a turnaround. When talking to someone, just hold your horses for a few seconds.”
He concluded with telling us how the need of the time is to be interdependent. Connect with other people with compassion. New education curriculums are teaching life skills. When I give someone a compliment, they revert with the same compassion. That is a good sign for the times to come.
Binati Sheth has flashbacks from the past about how she was a bad communicator in the past. She talked about how people often communicate to be right rather than to learn. She remembers Maya Angelou’s historic words, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” Her life continues to flash her by because she feels she made a lot of people feel bad with the snarky way she used to communicate. From her personal experiences, she notes, “Change begins with me — acknowledge the problem. More knowledge doesn’t always solve the problem. You need to have the proper mindset and be in an accepting headspace.” She concludes by doing a word vomit about an article she’s working on about Hayao Miyazaki, someone who’s inspired her to create Funiki and then go and a do a nice Ikite. Have the intention to have a conversation such that it creates a childlike atmosphere (funiki) and then go live your life (ikite).
Preeti Chaudhary, as always, listens gracefully. She notes how people these days don’t have enough patience. The general attention span is less than that of a goldfish (8 seconds). She wishes people practiced the art of listening. She does a mic drop, “There is enough space in the world for everyone.” She goes on to note how we have two ears and one mouth for a reason. Communication should be the priority when people talk. The definition of communication is a message from a sender to a receiver followed by feedback. Each of these components is equally important, no more no less! She wishes how people prioritised collaboration over competition. She mentions how in the real world, the louder you are, the more things get done. This concept bleeds into the art of communication and sadly, agreeing and disagreeing takes a backseat.
She succinctly adds how grabbing attention is the priority these days. People need to be allowed to make their points. Mental space and mindset are important. The most important part though is letting people be heard. She reiterates, “There’s space for everyone. Do onto others what you want done to you. Try practicing the old adages.”
She concludes on a thoughtful note, “Word arrows will hit their mark and they will break stuff. Facilitate conversations.”
Please note:
Ted circles is a theme based monthly activity which focuses on impactful, meaningful conversations among people in all walks of life. For this circle, seven people gathered to discuss the topic to ensure they are not mere spectators but parts of the conversation. The event was held on 9th July at 3:00PM (IST). The agenda on the docket was ‘Agree to Disagree’. All the contributors were committed to discussing how agreeing to disagree or vice versa is deeper than it seems. The host of the event, Preeti Chaudhary invited Capt. Charanjit Lehal, Aaina Chopra to the stage with Binati Sheth acting as the scribe for the event.
